**Trigger Warning**

It’s been mentioned many times that I have a binge eating disorder, and I’ve had it for close to 15 years now. I’ve gotten help for it in the past, and overall, I manage well. But sometimes, it feels like a bit of a struggle.

This weekend, I’ve been experiencing a bit of a relapse, and I’m not sure why. It could be due to the injections I had this week, feeling tired, or always being in pain, but honestly, it could be anything.

It started Thursday on my way home from work (I work at a hospital now). I was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and I have this goal of only eating between 10am and 5pm because usually my stomach feels better, and I don’t wake up nauseous or vomiting bile through half the morning.

But tonight was different. I ordered nachos, and they arrived at home before I did, so my parents were already eating them when I walked in. On the way home, I was talking to my big bro (who proudly calls himself my gay best friend from Florida). It feels a bit weird to classify it like that these days, but anyway, he ended up ordering me Chinese food, so I ended up having a double meal.

On Friday, I had my injections first thing in the morning, then had to go to a different hospital to grab some papers. While there, I got a protein shake and grabbed food from the cafeteria before heading to my hospital, where I picked up pasta. I was already feeling bloated, but everything seemed fine.

When I got home, my parents had left for the chalet, and I ordered fondue from Juliette and Chocolate, which I ate around 9pm—way too late.

Saturday was the worst. I woke up and ate a chocolate raspberry dome, which was a bad idea. I felt off, so I decided to do a deep clean of my room. I spent nearly 12 hours cleaning and tossing things out. I didn’t want to stop and make food, so I ordered from Arahovas, but something in that meal caused my stomach to swell. I suddenly looked like I was nine months pregnant. To make matters worse, I couldn’t shake the craving for more food, so I ordered two pieces of pie from Rockaberry and finished them around 11pm.

I felt so guilty and bloated that I took two laxatives before going to bed.

Sunday morning, I woke up at 6am with the worst stomach cramps—the laxatives were working, painfully so. I always regret taking them when I do. Despite this, I managed to prep for Thanksgiving, but in-between, I was eating all the food I ordered before, trying to finish it so no one would notice. The guilt hit me again, and I took more laxatives. I drank a lot of water, but my stomach continued to swell—it felt like I was retaining everything, and I felt awful.

Mentally, I was exhausted from feeling fat. The bloating made me look worse than I have in a while. I went to bed, but I had to wake up every hour to pee. Eventually, I was peeing clear, and it seemed like the water retention was finally going down.

This morning, the swelling has decreased, but I still have almost no appetite. I finished cleaning and had one meal in the afternoon, which left me feeling overly full. After that meal, the same stomach pains returned, so I think the laxatives are still having an effect.

I’m not sure. I know this is something I need to address, but there are so many other things I’m trying to sort out right now. I don’t know why I binged so much this weekend, but it happened. Maybe I’m close to my period, but I’ve been so irregular for the last couple of years, it’s hard to predict.