Cycle of Eating Disorder Relapse


Summer is in full swing. Normally I should feel good right? Wrong.

Something has been feeling off lately. And I finally placed what the “off” part was.

For those who have been following my posts, you know I suffer from a binge eating disorder.

If not, you can click here.

At the end of the linked article…I wrote about how I’ve been recovering. And I know it’s a long process and will be a lifetime thing…

But lately, things started making sense. About two weeks ago I wasn’t feeling well. So I started skipping meals.

Day 1: I skipped 1 snack.

Day 2: I skipped 1 meal and one snack…

I saw the nutritionist several days later, and I was honest. I had trouble eating. No appetite. The thing is, what I did eat did not bother my stomach, so it showed I could eat but I wasn’t forcing myself too.

This past week started off okay…it could have been better. However, Monday and Tuesday I was at 2 meals and 2 snacks….

**Note: A major sign was when I went out with a friend more than once and the friend would eat and I wouldn’t. I would pass it off as not hungry or too much of a headache. If I started to feel sick, I would buy a coffee to help me.

Today is Wednesday, I hit a new low…one that I haven’t hit in a very long time and one I am really not proud off but I have no idea how to reverse it.

I am down to one meal. Breakfast. But hey, it’s the most important meal of the day. So I should be fine?

Add the one meal, with training 1-2 hours on the ice per day…Yeah, you know where this will go.

Except, it has already started tearing my body down. It’s caused flare-ups and because of the flare-ups the mentality also started going.

If you are watching me on the ice, you can see I will collapse after (min) 30 minutes. Yet I keep pushing and telling myself the adrenaline will eventually kick in and I won’t have to worry…but the adrenaline has yet to do so.

Today, after my on ice session…I thought I was going to pass out. I sat on the bench for 20-30 minutes just staring in space. Then I eventually sat upstairs and in a 2 hour span I puked 3x (at the rink), 2x (outside the rink).

But, it was all water and bile…that’s when I looked back on my day and noticed I skipped every meal except breakfast.

Once I was feeling better I drank a coffee and now (at 10 pm) I have yet to eat supper. The appetite is still gone and I have no way of stimulating it. And for some odd reason, it’s not even bothering me.

Now, I’m not anorexic or bulimic. But I am at the stage of yet another binging cycle where I will hardly touch food.

Hoping tomorrow will be a better day, but as the days go on…I am digging myself into a deeper hole.


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