This is probably going to be one of the hardest posts I have ever had to write. But one that I need to get off my chest before it eats me up.

Mental Illness is probably one of the biggest silent killers there is in the world. Yet one that nobody really knows how to deal with or figure out. Like some illnesses some days are really good days and others are not so much. Somedays you wanna take a certain action and some days you have to restrain yourself from taking another action.

Two years ago when I went to see my family doctor while going through all this medical hell she wanted me to go see a psychologist. One that could help. At first I didn’t know why, but when I questioned her about it…she said for my age (22 at the time), it was not normal for someone to have this many medical problems and keep getting bounced around with no answers. She thought that it caused…or it would cause depression and gave me the referral to the psychologist. My biggest mistake in that time period was not going and over time my mental state started getting worse and worse.

To give you an idea, I lost motivation for a lot of the things I love including skating (even though I am still doing it because medically I have too). And I think knowing medical reasons behind needing to stay doesn’t help because I am no longer staying on my own will. But if anyone has noticed I have skated once a week for the past two months.

Another example…I am a writer and I love writing and I block myself from writing what I truly feel because I would be locked up for sure. I wrote a piece for my creative writing class that was concerning to a point the teacher asked if I was okay…but when I said yes, she said it was one of the best ones. But really, when it comes to writing on my own I could not be bothered to do so…and this is one of the reasons my blog posts have gone down this past year (and I am really sorry about that).

I have no idea where this has come from…or why it started appearing. I know it started slightly after I got injected with humira…then the worst back pain ever came along and from there it was a big struggle. But again, could Humira still be in my system for this long? Or am I using this as an excuse?

My eyes are tired of crying. My breathing is starting to cut off. I feel like I am being suffocated.

I am turning my back on everyone. I am in more of a worst mood then I have been in a while. I am exhausted and I am breaking down more and more and it is lasting longer and longer.

I’ve felt worthless. I was told I was worthless that I do nothing. It hurts.

I have yet to find the source…

But this week with the thoughts I have been having…I have come to the realization I need to go see someone finally. I need a psychologist. I need to figure out what the hell is bothering me and affecting everyday of my life. I know it is most likely linked to depression especially with my past but something is triggering it and I need to find why cause if I don’t…who knows what will end up happening to me.

I have consulted hotlines for the past few days and they have helped wonders and are the reason I am here writing this story. Suicide is not an answer no MATTER how hard it gets. If anything gets hard remember there are people who care, help yourself, do something.

They say “Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words won’t hurt.” Yes WORDS HURT. They KILL. What is said CANT BE UNSAID. Be nice, give complements. One small complement “I like your hair” “Beautiful smile” “You have nice writing”, these compliments can go A LONG way… cause you never know who is battling out there and what demons they are battling.

Be kind. Help someone if you think they need help. Life is too short…and it should not be shorter because of mental illness.

I have no idea what the psychologist would say…But if they prescribe me anti-depressants I would gladly take them. You wanna know why?

If you go to the hospital because of a bladder infection and they prescribe medication to you…will you take it? Of course. It is medication to treat the infection.

The same concept goes with mental illness. You should not be living in pain and in the dark all by yourself.

** I am adding the list of hotlines you can use if ANYTHING!