*Heads up about this post…may not be suitable for all readers*
Getting cleared from a binging disorder had been a huge accomplishment for me. Especially struggling with it longer than I can remember; and it impacting my everyday life.
However, recovering was not as glamorous as I expected.
Now…before getting into this I will talk about the recovery, relapse, negatives and positives and where I am at.
The recovery was smoother than I expected. It is still ongoing and there are a lot of ups and downs and in betweens. I had a great support from family, friends and medical specialists. And I kept thinking this is too easy…and even with a well balanced and thought out diet, I was losing weight at a satisfying rate.
One thing I never took into account was the weight was coming off the muscles. Why? Because of the severe illness I had in September (paralyzed stomach/endometriosis) that had me in emergency had me rapidly lose weight that mimicked symptoms of eating disorder.
With the paralyzed stomach I was suffering from;
-throwing up undigested food and not digesting at all.
and many other symptoms.
Yes, that was in September. And with both cases being medically confirmed the psychological factor still triggered memories.
Like with the eating disorder I was suffering from, I would starve, try eating and puke it up. The only difference was the eating disorder I forced it and this time my body was just not digesting.
Now why was I suffering that? No idea, or even any idea how I got infected with it. But since the endo was present at the same time it was double tortourous.
The recovery took over 2 weeks before I could start eating solids and then another 3 weeks before I felt as normal as I did pre-paralyze…but something was off. And I knew by now being able to eat it after hardly anything it would trigger my over eating.
This is where the relapse comes in. It started with saying one time of over eating and then I would go back to being okay. One time turned to two, turning to four and turning to several times a week. It started in private, then half open, and out in the open.
For an example; I was careless eating a bagel, two sandwiches, 10 timbits (mini donut), Greek yoghurt, chips (with 2 chocolate milks, Gatorade and water)… all before a figure skating competition this season.
Spending a lot of $$ on food has been a problem…almost more then I make. I am barely working out enough to keep the weight off. Throwing up when I felt extremely guilty and even settled once last month for laxatives.
Now I am kind of lost where I stand. I admit the problem is back, but judging from episodes of my past I don’t see it being as critical as it is now. And that’s where I am worried. Because I know how one mistake can leap forward and cause a chain reactions.
It is causing a lot more damage to my body then it should.
My body is slowly giving out (5 hospitalizations since September)
Lack of motivation.
Psychological issues (depression).
Not knowing where the eating disorder will take me.
Healthy: is helping body pain.
MAJOR support I am getting.
Setting short term, long term and life goals.
Always have someone around me.
Starting to love living life again.
Where I am currently at: As mentioned, I am not entirely sure where I am at. I know I have relapsed and need help. Especially after the throwing up and laxatives. But to what extent I don’t know. Just pushing forward as much as I can is definitely helping. And never being alone too helps. As well knowing I need to keep in contact with my nutritionist has also shown my relapse isn’t as severe as it could be.
As the next few weeks go on, it will be fun to see where this ends up. It becomes an addiction because you want to get better but can’t and go back and forth and don’t have clear thinking etc.