Happy Canada Day to my Canadian Friends ❤
Do you remember last week when I talked about my “Shaky Mental Health?”
Then remember when I decided to go on a road-trip to the beach? “Future Planning.”
Well these two posts are important before reading the rest of this one.
When I was sitting on the beach, I was getting a lot of things done. Within 25 minutes of me sitting there, I had already planned the three schedules.
Awesome! I was getting closer then if I was at home and just laying in my bed watching an entire season of the Big Bang Theory in one night.
When I was writing the post “Future Planning.” I was watching the sky turn grey. No big deal, it is Quebec. The weather here is unpredictable.
As I was finishing off the post. My computer was getting a few drops here and there. It was honestly so little, it could have been the trees just blowing and extra water was coming down.
Then. I decided. It would be time to wrap up for a bit. (I honestly really needed to pee) and by then, I had absolutely no focus. Like one of those times you need to empty your bladder to refocus.
So I started walking to my car. And within 5 minutes of sitting in my car. The grey sky turned black and there was a massive downpour.
I stayed in my car deciding not to leave because the rain was making it hard to see when the car was at a stand-still. No mind what it would be doing when I was driving (and on top of a full bladder?).
Eventually ten or so minutes later the rain died down. It was still grey but at least I could drive.
After a while I pulled into a McDonald’s to use the bathroom and to see if I wanted any food from there.
That’s when I saw it. The most gorgeous rainbow mixed in all the dark clouds.
And I just kept sitting in my car dumbfounded. Not necessarily at the events that had happened but what they meant to me.
For a long while (Probably since Mid-March). Mentally/emotionally I have been in a really dark place.
I have pretty much contemplated suicide on more then one occasion and have become close to doing it.
You know living in Chronic Pain 24/7 without a relief. Sometimes you end up just thinking what will happen to be completely out of it. And living off of that, it becomes an extreme build.
I have been using self-harm as a way to take away chronic pain and use a different pain.
I have been reaching out to some people. And I have also been able to tell who my true friends who care are, and who those aren’t.
I have finally been able to start organizing my life a little bit more and knowing what I want.
The clouds that came over me when I was sitting on the beach was all my emotions I was going through and the overwhelming of everything going on in my life. The exhaustion. Being burnt out and needing time alone.
The rain was all the tears of the pain I am going through and have gone through. The needing a clear head to have a clean slate and make life meaningful.
The rainbow was knowing that during every dark phase there is a light and something beautiful at the other end.
In one day I went from wanting to end my life one day. To wanting to really pick my life up and go back out there and prove everyone and everything wrong.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
When I left Chiro on 06/26/2019 I was going to do something that I would have come to regret. Instead by force I took an exit (the wrong one) and it lead me down many roads and paths leading to this destination that was the travel map of answers I have been looking for all along.
To everyone who has helped me recently. Thank you ❤