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These past two or so weeks have been tough. And honestly, I have no idea why.
I am thinking either I am just extremely exhausted (Working 40 hours a week, school ending etc).
Another thing is, I haven’t skated in over a week because of the injection procedure. So I am craving getting back on the ice and distracting myself again.
Also my coaches have been on vacation for a little over a week now. So I have been keeping everything super quiet.
My emotions have been high. But some part of me thinks it can be part of the meds they put in me for the injections as well. Affecting my adrenal glands. Making my moods go up and down.
The past few days I have been getting suicidal again. It has been overwhelming. And with everything happening I have nobody to turn too or talk too.
I have been wanting to cut. And have tried to take any precautionary way not too. But I have given in and I am regretting it.
The urge to wanting to cut has been overwhelming as well. I was down in the darks a while ago and I really don’t want to head down that path again.
I’ve been isolating myself in my room. Overworking on purpose. Losing motivation on everything. I feel like i have nothing to live for and I am just living in a weird non-motivational/meaningless life. Like get up, go to work, go to school, go home, be too tired to move, sleep and repeat. Everything is on schedule and works around it. There is nothing spontaneous.
I need to change my life. Before it changes me. Before it is too late.
I don’t want to waste anymore time.
I am also tired of this medical battle. Over and over. Being a lab rat. Nobody believing me yet my body just goes through more and more suffering.