My season started two days ago. And by started, I mean the first of MANY competitions of the season.

Like, it is overwhelming by the amount I will be doing in such a short span.

While the competition itself went great (and there will be an upcoming post about that soon). I am suffering from the adrenaline crash.

Currently 13/10/2019, a day before Thanksgiving. I am sitting in a hotel room in Gatineau, QC.

I am fighting the urge right now to wanting to cut my wrists. It is a strong urge. And I am honestly doing everything in my power not to do it.

I have been cut free for about two months. All that is left on the body is the scars. But, I fear I will break and lose control.

I want to reach out and talk this through. But I don’t want to bother anyone. And at the same time, I have no energy to really talk.

I have my coach in constant contact with right now. He and I have a bet going that we will go for onion rings (my addiction) once the scars are faded.

He was the first one I turned too tonight. He is trying to talk me out of it. And for the most part, I have shut off my phone except for the alarm clock and I am feeling a little better.

I have no idea if it is because I am exhausted from working 6 days a week the last month. Mixed in with the endless driving (first competition was 2.5 hours away, now I am in Gatineau/Ottawa also 2.5 hours away). Or basically it is the adrenaline that is fading. It could also be PMS because it is becoming that time of month again.

But honestly it is getting hard to control this.

I need to make massive changes in my life. ASAP.

I need help.