This week has been a brutal week. I’ve been absorbing everything like a sponge for too long and I finally burst.
There was a while ago when I brought up the topic, “Depression, Suicidal thoughts without wanting to harm.”
This is still the case but the intensity of wanting to self-harm has been getting stronger over the last few months to a point this week I just burst.
I could not control my anxiety. I could not control my emotions. I felt like my whole world was collapsing and honestly I did not know what to do with myself. I still don’t. There was one difference I did from every other time the urges of wanting to self-harm had hit. I opened myself up to those I know I could trust the most. If I didn’t…Let’s not go deeper into that thought.
There are some amazing people I have by my side. They sat there checking up on me daily and have been listening as my thought process went in so many directions.
It is still unclear what is going on. I know that the biggest triggers were from work and from my medical hell that is constantly going on. Put that together, with everything I have been holding inside for the last ten years. At some point the sponge leaks and breaks into a billion pieces.
I asked a doctor this week for help. I truly needed help before I did anything stupid and I mean doctor’s are supposed to be there for you no matter what, right? All I got was, “Fix the physical and the mental will get better.” Like come on? I know that it will be helpful but sometimes it is about everything else in life that get’s affected from the pain.
You lose family. You lose friends. You struggle in school. You can’t get out of bed. It hurts to breathe. Everything scares you. You know you’re whole life will just be living in pain.
I am not saying the thoughts are gone. They are FAR from gone. I am having a lot of sleepless nights. Deep down I know it will be a long process, but today (Saturday the 30th) has been one of my better days even if I only had 2 hours of sleep the night before. I am finally starting to be able to break everything down and figure out what is going to happen. I know I still need help. I know that there will be dark days and even darker days. But there will be some light days.
Without the wonderful people by my side and some help lines I don’t know where I would have been. I don’t want to think there.
The struggle is real.
Mental health is real.
Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
If nobody believes you. I do.
I have been through it. Having nobody can lead to the absolute possibilities.