So…It seems like my last few posts have been about the mental state. But I honestly think the mental state determines a lot in someones health.

Is it normal for someone to cry every night for absolutely no reason?

I mean start off on the verge of tears and all of a sudden they are pouring out of your system? You can’t stop to take a breath. You can’t feel anything. You are numb. Paralyzed. And the next thing you know is you have no idea why on earth you were crying this hard?

How about this?

Is it normal for someone to always be with the people they love. Those that are close to them. You can talk, laugh, have fun…but the minute a fight breaks out, or a small argument or even some moments of silence everything unfolds? Sometimes you know you are physically there but mentally are on a different spectrum…universe?

The past few weeks. I have felt alone. I have been alone. I am tired of crying and fighting. Yet I don’t give up. And people ask me why? And to be honest… I have no idea why? There is something inside me that keeps me pushing and whatever that reason is…I wish I knew.

I mean. It is a good thing that I am not giving up. Have I been suicidal before? Yes. Am I now? No. I mean I have my moments but nothing even comes close in comparison to what I have felt in the past.

I am beyond done of being sad. Emotional. Tired. I am emotionless with a lot of waterworks. And you know what that is okay. I am trying to break into my head what is going on and the more I am digging the more I want to shut it up and never go back.

I know I need help. I keep seeking to get help. Whether it is a useless clinic who did absolutely nothing for me or friends and family who don’t seem to know what to do. I am lost. I need guidance. I don’t know what the fuck I am doing.

I feel alone. I feel like I am walking on thin glass that is about to break and destroy my life and I have no idea where to get myself onto solid ground before that happens.

My anxiety level is through the roof.

I also have an intense hormone level which is causing a period every two weeks that lasts several days. It is not normal.

I have my outbursts. More than I care to admit too…and especially lately. I have no idea what is causing them or where they are coming from. I have a past. I have a present. I have a future. But when I see a psychologist who actually cares maybe we can work together to figure it out.